chewbaccabacca

Better

2007-12-03T05:41:33Z

Mysteriously, or perhaps not, things are much better. I was depressed a lot of last week b/c of nearly constant fighting with you know who. Guess who started it all ... thats right, me!

I fucking hate that I get into fights over stupid shit. All I really need is to talk it out, but its hard sometimes when the person you love is so far away. Better because we are not fighting anymore, better b/c I finally get to see the person I love so much.

A different type of lonliness

2007-12-01T16:23:20Z

So some people asked me why I havent been hanging out around Lancaster very much, so Ill write a response here and then give a speech later.

Its becoming clear to me that a good number of my friends are lazy and dont want to do anything. Fine. I hate working too, especially if its service work or working in an office, whatever. I understand that those that do work 40+ hours dont want to do anything afterwards but play video games or go to a bar. There are two problems I want to address here that I can see. I have been recognizing for awhile that virtually no one is helping out with the peace and justice stuff around town (I am talking to my age group here, not everyone). Its still the same few people, and despite our efforts to end the clique bullshit and throw out the "activist style", most people dont give two shits. People think we are heros,; thats totally stupid, everyone needs to help. People seem to either want to sit around and bitch about how they look, complain about what other people said about them the last time they got drunk and acted like a 13 year old, whatever, I hear lots of interesting, unintelligent responses. All everyone wants to do is party! GET OVER IT - most of the time THEY ARE NON-INTERESTING AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING. I like to hang out with all my friends too once and awhile in a party setting, but the thing to keep in mind here is that this is what to do every weekend here. No one even wants to try, its really, pathetic? Less than 25 people showed up at the last Moratorium. We all stood out in the cold for two hours. I mean, I know the weather was shitty, but jesus was the 2 hour pre-party prep time worth it? I want to get out of here. I think I am going to go to California. My friend Rob just left for Tucson, I think he did the right thing - go as far as possible from the people you know, but the people you know who are stagnant. What is it with white people and acting so fucking irresponsibly ? Its mostly our responsibility to clean up after all the previous generations and what they have done (its not our fault). We have immense information and resources compared even to our parents, let alone my great-great grandfather who probably killed someone in a war or a native American. So why all the apathy friends? What is wrong? And you cant just blame the media, we have all read Chomsky.

The second thing I wanted to address is the decline of culture. Though I have a lot more to say about this, I think Ill save most of it for an actual essay with works cited and so on so those of you that read it think I am not just some rambling physicist who angry (or something). I was watching Hannity & Colmes (I think its important to hear what the fascists are saying, rather then just ignoring them) and Pat Buchanan came on (old-school conservative) and started speaking about how America has probably passed its cultural peak. I dont know what he was really referring to, but he is an old guy, and my father (when he could speak to me) used to tell me about how people just worked so much harder back in his day. By grandfather, before he died, used to tell me similar things, though it was usually "your generation is a bunch of lazy, unmature kids" (He was a self-made carpenter). I guess I dont really know what to say here for LJ other than what I think I observe in a lot of my friends is a deep sense of a "broken system of work ethics". From the beginning of this country to even 50 years ago, most people were not rich and powerful. Yet since the end of WW2, the middle class has grown so much that now most people are not rich, not poor, but some blurry in between. I guess I just feel like there is usually culture found in poverty, with the arts, mathematics, sciences, etc. I feel that often the reason why people work for no money is b/c its something they love, and that you cant sit around and wait for someone else to make it happen. You need to do it (and I agree with that, I think everyone is capable of doing "art" and for that matter, in the end, it may be what defines us). Within rich culture, I mean I cant really speak to this much b/c I dont reside in it, but I mean if you are rich, you can make things happen, and thats what a lot of power structures in fact do. Some make weird, supposedly benign companies (like google), others are vicious bankers (like JP Morgan) while some further still are art dealers and deal with classical culture. But I keep feeling this; where is any of this in my generation? Why arent these sentiments mainstream anymore? Are we really just cattle, better yet, sheeple? I have to think about this a lot more, but at least thats how I feel, though feelings and facts often leave open a wide door for interpretation.

Anyways, I am sort of sick of FEELING like I am alone in my work, both with social change efforts, and my quest for knowledge at the fundamental length scales. I look around and I do see some of my best friends working for their dreams, creating art, in an unmanufactured way. But why do I feel so many of you are just here to "feel good" at a party? To look cool and to be cool? Where is our culture? Where are our dreams?

What?

2007-11-29T01:24:17Z

I need to update this thing. I swear I will soon!

Crazzzy

2007-11-01T03:59:08Z

Today was really weird. Im watching the Colbert Report, and aside from not really doing anything productive today was just a normal, usual Halloween. No one was really doing anything, I suppose parties or whatever will be this weekend because they didnt happen last weekend. But now that its late and Ive been up for awhile, I am recalling how many times I had these strange memories of night terrors I had as a kid.

When I got out of the hospital the first time, for some reason I started having horrible nightmares that I cannot pictorially remember, but I can emotionally? I do have vague ideas what things look like. One I remember well was me all of a sudden realize I am no longer having a bad dream and find myself pacing around the dinner table in Lititz and my mom or dad sitting there waiting for me to calm down. Thats just it, I woke up into pacing and crying and freaking out. The more strange ones repeated for a few years really. In middle school I can remember being worried when going to sleepovers that I would wake up and embarrass myself. One in particular I cant visualize but it repeated way more than any of the others. I dont know, sort of makes me a little nervous? even thinking about it.

But today was weird because that is exactly what I was doing. I dont know what my random afternoon and evening thoughts ultimately add up to, but Id like to know why these things crept back into my consciousness today.

Its about damn time

2007-10-26T04:25:48Z

Ok its been almost a month since I posted here. This just goes to show that I only ramble on this LJ thing when I am depressed, and since summer has FINALLY left (yesterday, two months late), my seasonal depression thing seems to be just another periodic mood swing, only to come back next year around this time.

I really hate the end of the summer. The warmth, the freedom from school, and the full growth of all the plants (and cute small animals) reinforces my own feelings of being alive. But as soon as the chilly winds start to bellow and blow from the north after the last blast of warmth, my mind and clarity fall faster than a rock on Jupiter (which has a stronger gravitational field than does earth =P). Though I cannot explain why I got my dose earlier this year (I can, its b/c my love left for London), it is absent now, even though the cold just arrived (and not even, its supposed to be in the 60s tomorrow). Perhaps my sentences illustrate irrational thought, or at least not clarity, and perhaps they are indeed accurate, because I say they are (you got to love rhetoric, for gods sake, George Bush thinks he can prove things...). Although things are still missing. I feel like I am either a) supposed to be in school or b) starting my career. I am neither. Though, even today I went to UMD for an interview/hello thing before I apply, so again, I was both a) and b) and neither all at the same time. Odd how things work. Odd how Aristotelean logic works, and how it does not work at the same time. I can claim I am one thing, and prove in some sense that I am that and something else. People should try to learn Quantum logic to the ability that they can (regardless of any math propensities). Things tend to make more sense because it allows for a system to be in multiple states at once. Only when you make a measurement (and this regarded to only make sense in the current paradigm of quantum, surely the solution to the measurement problem will force us to alter our rationalism) are you ever able to determine what state the system is living. And so goes how I think I am.

Anyways, I went to London a few weeks ago (weird it was that long now). And it was grrrrrrreat! I got to see the Amazing Clea, and the wonderful town of London. Its probably senseless for me to write on about what I did and how it was, but I really dont have the time to write so much. I was a little angsty about going to see her b/c of my previous rages of depression and how I was feeling at the time. Coupling those feelings with some of her actions and I was wigging out (as some of my last journal entries seem to suggest). As I expected a few weeks ago, I knew id be thinking depressive things and that my own actions would defn. be influenced, including things I say. I suppose in hindsight where I feel I am out of the rut, I should pay more attention to what I am thinking and saying, because ive hurt peoples feelings before, and I feel like I hurt Clea's feelings a bit too. And I really dont like making people feel bad (I mean, who does?), I guess when I am in one of those modes, I am not really thinking I am going to hurt others, but its not true. Ack - I feel good! I dont want to be a jerk and say things I dont mean. Why cant it just be like that (Aristotelean logic again....).

Now I need to get a real job (though I think I may have two before too long here). I am back to London for a few days then to Germany! Oddly enough, I was able to get in touch with one of m y cousins, who is in a rock and roll band. I bet he will be as surprised as I was when he finds out I am a physicist! hehe.

Ticks, Knee Wounds, Anxiety, and London

2007-10-05T21:45:34Z

Lets do them in order.

1. Fucking ticks. EVERYWHERE TODAY!!!! Jesus they just dont stop craving my bloooooood! But its all good, these are the non-lyme carrying ones, so eat up boys. But seriously, I am so much less freaked out by bugs now by virtue of this job, which makes me really happy. I feel more complete (though by no means absolutely) as an environmentalist and a person; its ecology, life feeds on life, and getting freaked out by things that really cannot hurt me, well, I am glad some of that shit is gone.

2. I FUCKED up my knee again, same spot from when Clea and I ... at Robs .... for the first time .... yeah. Unfortunately, this wound is non-sex related, but rather the result of chalking at Millersville on Monday for the amazing protest we had. I was so damn stoned going to do this lovely chalking that I was not paying attention to the fact that I was continually rubbing my knee against rough concrete. Today at work it really started to get sore and we had to stop for a bit while I bandaged it all up. Though I have to say my immune system seems to be working quite well given all the bug bites ive been getting then the corresponding scratching like hell at night.

3. Anxiety. Ive been really nervous about the plane. I enjoy flying because the whole birds eye view thing is pretty cool. Yet, I am to some degree a control freak when it comes to operating electronic machines. I prefer to be the one operating, in the event I fuck up, I at least can save us or kill us all. I dont know, this dichotomy may lie in something else within my life, but its weird to say the least, and it makes me uncomfortable to the extent I ganked a bunch of anti-anxiety pills from my mom to help me cope.

4. London tomorrow (really Sunday but the plane counts for me). I am excited to say the least. I really miss Clea and I expect we will have a great time. And I need face-to-face communication with her. This whole shot-in-the-dark communication via the internet and choppy cell phone calls are not satisfying to the extent that you know you love someone, but there is a gap between the two hearts via non-pheromone/non-visual styles of communication. I do want to avoid doing "the usual" as much as possible, and by that I mean watching tv, saying "i am bored" and drinking to the extent I am not functional. I am totally going to have a good time and perhaps even eat some wet fung. though, this is supposed to be a cultural experience, not a drug and alcohol free for all (besides, I am saving that for the Netherlands hehe). And to the extent that I am in another country, id like to avoid Americans as much as possible and talk to Brits about things that we (Americans) have in common, such as war, imperialism, racism, and the like. I realize I am different from other people in that I seek non-traditional experiences, so its up to me to make this happen. And I will, even if I have to veer off from what other people are expecting me (not Clea, but potentially other people around the dorm). Part of me feels I should lead the herd to cool and unusual places, though, its not my responsibility to quell the unmotivated Americans' propensities to sit around and not get 100% out of everything there is do (ok, these last two sentences are me being defensive of my gf and how she tells me that some of the people get on her nerves). I say this with a grain of salt, when you live somewhere for awhile, monotony usually strikes, and that is ok. Furthermore, interests are never the same for everyone - clearly some people are more interested in doing the college thing, and that is ok, since its college, though, again, I feel like I am a non-traditional, multi-talented, multi-interested person, and obviously people like different things.

Protesting &

2007-10-03T21:31:15Z

Bush came to town today. Since last week we have been planning a rally (last night) and a protest (today). Things went especially well; my press release system is working now. Dropped the initial News Advisory about a week ago (right after we first heard of his visit). Then two days ago I sent out a Press Release, saying similar stuff as the Advisory, but a little different (telling people where to actually come for the two events). Last night we had 400 people in all (approx), and it was at least half youth. So many new faces, again. Some kids I did not know climbed the memorial in Penn's Square covered it with signs and a huge fist banner. I admit, it looked cool even though I try to even out the fist with peace signs, which were all over the place anyways. Our reporter told us "it looks like Argentina"!. She did a real nice job again with the write-up and we were on the front page of the paper this morning with the opening quote "It was almost the smell of revolution in the air Tuesday night." Pretty damn cool I must say!

Today's protest was a lot different. We asked everyone to arrive around 1055 am as Bush was expected at 1140 am, but the cops shut down the main street to the location well before 1030, so for awhile it was whoever was able to get there before the roads were actually shut down. Lots of nice signs, but we were confined into a protestor pen as usual (which was just some police tape and state police chatting with us). Most of the cops were nice, and one allegedly stole a joke of mine I told him. Bill wrote a letter to be delivered to Bush, and Sherry on the inside, given a Q&A session, successfully delivered it. Bill was real happy about that, I think because the military has not been clear on how his son was killed, and he addressed that in the note. About 150 people was the tally, plus some pro-Bush supporters, including a gang of pre-school children who were being told to sing "Follow the leader". Kind of fucked up, though we were not overly confrontational and things went generally well with everyone there. Some of the SDS kids were being concerned that having the pro and anti people segregated. I argued with them a bit about how I think that is not the best idea all the time b/c separating protesters from supporters draws a sharp line between the two, even though I feel the two are often one and the same, and that showing that people are able to do things together but differently, even though there are obvious tensions, is a good show of acceptance. It was fine, yet some of these younger organizers need to learn to respect people. They dont have to listen, but they should respect what people who have been doing this for a long time think. Often times I feel like people just get these ideas in their head because one or another person has said similar things, and then they tend to not listen. Ive seen it on a few occasions now, especially as of lately.

Survey?

2007-09-29T13:34:07Z

Ive never actually done this before. All those people that take surveys and then post them over myspace, I always thought that was a little weird, but whatever, guess Ill do this one! Thanks to Clea for directing my eye towards it.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Travel to Bhutan.
2. Publish physics/math/hard science papers
3. Maybe do what my parents did - live abroad for a little while. I have no plan at all for that, but then again neither did my parents.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. John
2. Schreck
3. duder (the high school kids haha).

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. chewbaccabacca
2. jazzoop
3. etnies 54

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My eyes
2. butt ?
3. general appearance

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. Italian
3. English

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. being alone, even though it never happens, ever.
2. rejection from schools/friends/girlfriend
3. not living up to my abilities

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. internet
2. cheese & coffee
3. music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. boxers
2. ticks
3. mosquito bites

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. DJ Shadow
2. Modest Mouse
3. Regina Spektor

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. The whole "Discovery" album from Daft Punk
2. Deceptacon - Le Tigre
3. Almost everything you do is a balloon - Boards of Canada

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. integrity/honesty
2. partner who knows when to be attentive
3. loving/caring/nurturing

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I worry a lot for no reason, probably genetically inherited
2. I get seasonal depression, every damn year!
3. ehhhh, i dont really like lying. im serious!

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Personality
2. Eyes
3. Hips haha.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. drinking coffee
3. traveling

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Live on the streets and in community centers in London
2. A nice painting
3. Tell Clea I love her haha. lame but you can go fuckyoself =D

THREE CAREeRS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. professional charlatan
2. fine arts
3. medical physics

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Bhutan
2. Afghanistan
3. Germany

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Olive
2. Madeline (yes Clea I also really like this name!)
3. Marwan (I like a lot of Arabic names)

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I think I complain a lot and am sensitive
2. I use nice face washes
3. Sometimes ill clip and buff my nails.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I have a .... yeah.
2. I argue with other guys a lot
3. I think fart sounds are funny.

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. my cat
2. osama bin laden
3. YOU!

eh. not much of a writing mood this week.

2007-09-29T04:46:49Z

I dont know what to say haha. I worked all week, and it was pretty good, lots of really nice plots, but I got eaten alive by mosquito's and small seed ticks. I did not really think of very much interesting aside from this Bush coming to town thing. Sometimes I get into this role where I am this organizerish person, and other times its absent. But its weird b/c my mind focuses on that and not other things exclusively. Soooooo, not much to say about that, or not much im willing to put on the internet. I need to do physics and or art, which is probably one in the same, but the tools are different. If they arent used, they will fade.

Uhm, thats about it. Lancaster is a stagnant place, I cant wait to get out of here, which my sound odd. I dont mind places that are slow, not at all. I was telling Alvie tonight that while I think this place is really nice and peaceful, and very active, itssss to I dont know, too familiar? I dont know where else to go though, I have not really been looking at grad schools or anything and I dont really have many other options aside from relocating and finding a job, which is precisely what I am trying to avoid. Wish I just had the way to travel wherever I wanted and not have to worry about food or sleeping. Fortunatly its only October and I have plenty of time for applications!

London in about a week.

A hotel in Virginia ...

2007-09-14T01:01:56Z

Yeah so my car broke down while pulling off I-95 for food. We were less than 3 miles from our destination too, to make matters worse. This really makes me depressed/anxious because I was worrying about money all day, hoping I would have enough to make sure I can take Clea all the places we want to go this winter, but now this could throw a monkey wrench into my plans. I know Clea does not care, but I do. Fortunately Lindsey had AAA so the tow was free, and our boss will cover the taxi and hotel, but I am still really bummed that shit always seems to hit me all at once. Perhaps my dream about the tornado last night was indicative of something bad. Well, I am not one for reading into dreams, let alone telepathy from the future. But I am still upset.

Ive been upset a lot recently. Why? I have not been doing physics as much as I want; I have not been drawing and painting at all (though I promise I will make something for Clea); I have not been doing activism lately; what the fuck? There are other things as well. I wish I had someone in person to talk to about all of this. I suspect some of it is due to the fact that my dad is getting pretty bad with his Alzheimer's. This has been a very difficult thing for me especially since I am not one for expressing myself aside from my academic propensities. Seeing Clea in 3.5 weeks will help, but I haven't even really talked to her about some of the things I've been holding back. But I will, because I see a future with her. And by that I suppose, without sounding like a weirdo or anything, years and perhaps even longer (which would be awesome, but I get cynical if I think too far ahead. That, and I dont want to freak her out). But SOMETHING(s) is missing. And I don't know what, and little things like my car breaking down makes it hurt more. Ive felt a lot like crying lately as well, but I have not too much. Ive felt a lot like leaving Lancaster, but I have not. Ive felt a lot like just giving up on what I am doing, but I have not. And I don't want to either. But why? WHY do I have to feel shitty when otherwise things are good, great! In retrospect, I've been down a lot lately, really since moving to NY. Perhaps before, but memories that go to far back I think I should question for ultimate validity because of some reasons I mentioned in my last post (and also the interesting discussion in the movie Waking Life). Speaking of that, Clea have you seen it?

Another thing - I still get angsty when Clea goes out and drinks a lot. I shouldn't, because I do it sometimes to, but often times I get worried that she has some predisposition to drinking for various reasons, which are probably irrational, yet, I feel like I will loose her one of these days. Perhaps this is because she is one of the positives in my life at this point and I fear that she will either find someone better, drunkenly hook up with randoms, or just get tired of me. For that matter, the getting tired thing has been around in previous relationships. Sometimes I just feel like I am extraordinarily average despite having a MA in Physics (soon PhD), started a community newspaper with publication of 2500 and distro to 800! mailing, doing lots of interesting things outside the usual subcultural experience, etc. Its funny how I realize I am different from other people, but it is still not good enough often.

That, and there is this thing that I feel - when men get depressed, their sexiness and appeal drop, and I dont want my super-significant other amazing girlfriend to drop me because I happen to be in a vulnerable period of my life. Before starting this journal, I do not even know if she knew I was feeling a lot of blue. Yeah, Ive got a lot of shit to work on if I really want a positive future with her.

Finishing something from before

2007-09-12T04:01:18Z

In my post earlier today, I said at the end that for some reason I think I blog here so Clea can read these. The thoughts on starting this in the first place stem from myself looking at other peoples thoughts/ideas online, and how in some sense, it can be used to gauge or monitor your emotional status. Rationally, at the time, I thought it was a sensible action, a metric created for me to measure myself for better or for worse. I still think that this is the case, that this is a good idea especially for me, someone who rarely talks about what I feel outside the comfort of my absolute closest friends. Perhaps going about this by randomly splashing what I have to say about feelings on the internet may not be the best idea, and perhaps I am just over-analyzing, again.

What I think is important is that I can talk to "people" about this kind of stuff. Sometimes just putting shit out there makes me feel better whether or not people accept, understand, or care about what I have to say about my internal personality. And there are how many other zillions of people doing this?

I almost regret to some degree for not starting this a long time ago, especially during other transition periods of my life. The most salient being when I went from undergrad to grad, and now, at least now, its here for grad to grad?/something else maybe? Just remembering what I was thinking two years ago is not enough. Having things in writing I think are more reliable often times than just memories alone, because those change as cells regenerate and new input is added, but these words wont.

I forgot what I really wanted to write

2007-09-11T17:53:05Z

Two nights ago I went to Philly with Colin. It was nice - though I was pretty tired and worn out the first night, so we watched some Deadwood and I went to bed. Woke up and played disc-golf for the first time in a month, which was really nice because I have been abstaining from playing ever since my injury almost a month ago now. Kind of nice to put that in perspective, because one month is not very long aaaaaaand in less than one month from today, I will be in London visiting the lovely Clea! haha.

I hit a nice birdie on hole 3 at Sedgley with the mid-range disc Clea got me for my birthday, and my game seems to improve, even when I am not playing, which is odd. So the way I see it, if I can keep playing maybe 3 days a week, in one year I am going to be awesome! Later on we went to Mad Mex's, just around the corner from the White Dog. They have a lovely drinks special from 430-630 with half price drinks. It was supernice b/c all the beer on tap was gooooooood stuff and I had a really nice wheat beer from Victory. Not quite Hoegarten, but pretty close. Also had a nice IPA - Avery. I like to drink with Colin because he is in some sense an expert when it comes to booz (helps that he is also a now admitting his alcoholism). We got this expensive tequila special and had three high class shots, something that I would never have taken to be tequila. mmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm. So its 630 pm and we are both totally drunk walking around UPenn. That was about it though, went back to his place, and later on Rob came over and we just sat and watched more movies etc.

In between all of this riffraff, I had a really nice discussion with Clea. Not that the topics are important for here, but the context helped me relax a little more about her being gone. That, and I will also see her in just a few weeks! And then just a few more weeks after that for a loooooooong awesome stay in Europe! I think it sucks though that we have to be pulled apart like this because the summer was so nice. But I realize now that we wont be repeating this summer because her family probably wont be staying in that nice ass house. That in itself makes me feel bad too, but again for reasons I am not at liberty to divulge here. I hope I get to keep visiting her in Bucks county, and I drunkenly wrote her an email saying she is the best thing to happen to me in a long long time. And I meant it, it was not just because I was drunk hehehe.

I feel like in some sense my creation of a LJ profile was geared to leave messages for her. Wonder if that is true. Cant wait to Skype with her tonight!

New Job and others

2007-09-09T00:52:26Z

I started my first job since dropping out of grad school on Thursday. Oddly enough, I remain in the University system, this time University Of Maryland-College Park. Its pretty cool - we are doing a study called UFORE where a random survey of tree plots in Prince William Park (its in Quantico, VA) is fitted to a model that determines how much pollution forest life absorbs, and correspondingly, how much money is saved from this absorption. I must say, this is the best job I have ever had, as far as pay goes. I get a cool 15 an hour to basically hike, and I love hiking. We also get paid mileage+wear&tear from UMD to the forest, which is about 45 miles, and also money for food ! Insanely cool I must say.

The downside - the place is literally infested with ticks. Further, some of these ticks carry Lyme Disease. I dont have health insurance, soooo, at the end of the job (mid-November), I plan on asking my Dr. friends for a prescription to get rid of the disease, if I have it. Im not taking any chances, and I am not also in a position where I want to spend my money getting a test. I see it as easier to just use my hookups and get the meds I could need.

Yesterday, I walked into two "tick bombs", which are small seed ticks (deer ticks that have not had their first blood meal) that bunch together from a nest. Id say, on both of these occasions, I had about 300 ticks on me. Later, I had to go through my clothes and my body and pull these almost-microscopic pests off my body. The good news is that these ticks dont carry lyme since they have not yet had their first meal. Whew! But they suck, thats for sure.

The downside to all of this - I still really really miss Clea. I kept thinking about her the whole time, and I think my two co-field workers, Lindsey and Janelle, probably got sick of me complaining. I tried to call her cell in England just because I wanted to hear her voice, and I probably will have to pay 5 bucks for a 15 second message. Whatever, its worth it. So later on I called my best friend Colin to ask him for some advice. He told me not to worry, that this is a normal reaction when you actually really really like someone, which was reassuring to the extent that I think this time my relationship is different from those previous because I am really stoked for the future. Though, to a certain extent, I think its probably reasonable to suspect this is a product of getting older, and I am aware of the fact that the older you get, the more you seek a companion. Clea and I get along super-great, and I feel totally comfortable around her, and I hope she knows that! But I get nervous, unjustly, that she will leave me, or something like that; again, I think this might be attributed to aging. But who knows, I am probably full of shit. More later.

From excitement to monotony

2007-09-05T01:21:10Z

Again like I mentioned in my whois portion, this is supposed to be an experiment where I can track where I am, what I am feeling, and the like, as I get older and my interests change. This first entry will start from a few years ago, with sparse details in between, but get more descriptive as time gets closer to the current date.

That said it sort of goes like this the past few years, as I can recall these memories. When I got out of high school, I was angsty, insecure, immature and so on. Probably normal, typical behavior for an 18 year old. My parents were sort of insistent I go to college (they both did), and yet my grades were terrible, my ability to paint and draw was above average, especially for someone who did not care that much about it. So I applied and was accepted at PCAD. I spent one year there, but somewhere along the way got interested in black hole physics. This was at least partially motivated by reading Hawking's "A Brief History of Time". I realized at this time I had the ability to become a professional fine artist, but I dropped out after my foundation year to pursue my beginning interests in science.

So I went to community college for a semester. After that, matriculated at Millersville U and started my physics degree. Things went generally well. Got good grades, doubled my major in physics and math, and picked up a minor in Fine Arts. I really got into my studies, sacrificing a lot of social time to devote to further inquires into physical phenomena that sparked my interest. Thinking back, a lot of the motivation to study so much was insecurity again; many of my friends during my art-> physics transition would make fun of me, taunting my intellectual ability. Id rather study what was interesting than deal with ridicule, even if it meant tallying down the time I was able to use for social interaction. After a few semesters, I made some good friends, especially fellow physics majors David and Tony. Those two were always there for me (as was a good friend James who was in Chemistry, and we lived in the same neighborhood in Lititz). Tony brought me to the Conestoga Club, an environmental/social club on campus. I liked it, met more like-minded hippy people, many who are still my friends today. The Conestoga Club led me to Jesters, another club, but this one a more social/political club. You know, the stereotypical hippy/anarchist/whatever type of club. I must say though, that I was impressed with all the things I was totally unaware of. For really the first time, I felt I was able to try and touch other peoples lives who had significantly less privilege than I did growing up (and into college). I suppose this was the beginning of my "radicalization" that is often talked about in radical circles.

I must say that with this new onset of foreign ideas and people, I dropped some of my interest in my studies, though I always maintained since starting physics that I would go to grad school and get a PhD. Thus my senior year, I applied at 6 schools and was accepted into 2 and wait listed at 3 (rejected at Berkeley). In hindsight, I blame the wait-listings on my not studying for the Subject Test due to political interests and actions (despite the fact I still got into the 60th percentile easily, which is not bad for barely studying). Though this was not good enough to get me into the prestigious private schools where all the research and fun often resides. I did get accepted into SUNY-Stony Brook, a definite top 20 school, and U California-Riverside. I chose SB because the department was larger, and given that I was not sure what type of physicist I wanted to be, opted for the bigger school where there would be more opportunity. This, as it turns out, was not the case.

I moved to SB, LI in August 2005. Things started out well, though I noticed I was a little rusty due to the politically charged year prior. I got back into the swing of things pretty quickly, and noted that my interests led me back towards the mathematical side of physics. You see, physicists often are not rigorous as far as the logical basis of math goes. This bothers me for some reason. I feel that if we are to use language to talk simply about the universe, it better be on a solid logical foundation. After all, logic seems to be the "magick" of the universe; no one knows really what it is, why it works, etc. What we do know is that when things (symbols) are consistent, we can make some profound statements and discoveries about ourselves, our environment, and our universe. I am very passionate about these ideas to this date.

However, I hated Long Island. It was not the people so much as the lack of diversity (shockingly, LI is super diverse, the school was only 51% white and is noted as being one of the most diverse schools in the country). Yet, skin colors and cultures are not always the end of the story as far as integration of peoples goes. Attitudes are more important in my opinion. And its not very hard to discover that despite cultural differences, many things still remain the same in the broad area of the intersection of cultural reflections. I dont want to say much more about this per se, just that I felt LI was chocking me given my radical perspectives on life. I was not able to look past the endless suburbs and conformity to find myself. I had to get out, I did get out, but only just recently, only just the other day. I knew when I got there in hindsight that the place was not for me. During my two year tenure, I must say that on average, I was out of town 3 weekends out of 4 in a month, and most of the time during the summer I was in Lancaster, Philly, or elsewhere.

This past summer sealed the deal on my dropping out (its worth it to say that after two years, one is granted a master degree). The summer, I should mention, was awesome, despite the fact that it was rather slow and not much happened. There is a reason for that; Clea. A little background is needed.

During the semester prior to this summer, I went on a little adventure to this place called Drew U. I was escorting some high school friends from our local SDS chapter to a NE conference. I had done these things many times over at Millersville, and to a certain extent, I wanted to provide a balance between college attitudes towards activism, and being a high schooler who has not yet had the experience (college that is). I knew right when I got there that this was a familiar sight. After about 15 mins, people were naked already! I should say that nudity tends not to bother me if its tasteful (I think more of it is tasteless than tasteful for that matter, which is probably my post-college attitude now). My friends were not too bothered by it (least I dont think so), though they definitely felt like outsiders because of the whole I-have-not-been-to-college-yet. Part of it was probably a lack of understanding that late teen early 20 somethings have a tendency to push the limits depending on how strict the parental upbringing was. Often times people who are sheltered lash out in college (not to say in a good or bad way), its all about experience, and this was just another one of those where people were enjoying the liberty of not having mom and dad around to scaffold anymore. And nor should they at this time - everyone needs to learn the limits, but again this is my perspective on it. When I went to naked parties as an undergrad, they were fun, different, even exhilarating sometimes (meaning that I was able to feel comfortable around other naked people without the pretext of sex, which is very nice I must say). I dont know if I would do these anymore outside a small core group; not to say that I would not want to, its just that I feel like that part of my outgoing personality was sufficed, and now I am moving onto more interesting things that suit my late-20 something perspective.

Anyhow, I met Clea there. Funny story actually, I noted her presence initially by telling myself "who is that super-cute girl?" I ignored it though, as I usually do when I see attractive women (well, a lot in one place that is, overload is a pain in the ass =). Clea drunkenly approached my gang towards the end of the night and asked if we needed a place to crash. Of course we said yes because it was outside the Earth House where everyone else was sleeping. I must say I was a tad tipsy at this point. I think Clea was hammered, though I cant be sure. So I forgot to bring a sleeping bag (I usually travel light with these activist things, its the tendency that people share), but my other compadres were prepared. Clea asked me if I wanted to sleep in her bed, and I remember distinctly saying to myself, "haha, yeah ive done this before, sure ill sleep in your bed..." but not in a sexual way of course, just a "im a hippie, why dont you just share with me, it wont be weird"...ps that is me generalizing on people, a fault, yet, its an approximation. So I layed down. Clea put her arm around me and whispered in my ear, "I like to cuddle, hope you dont mind". haha. No, since I was single, not at all. She had her face towards me, so I said to myself, fuck it, im gonna kiss her. Aaaaand thats how we met! We didnt really do anything else, but I also remember whispering to her "I think you are perfect!" Of course I was speaking my own self-indulgent tongue - I was commenting on how hot I thought she was etc and the fact that she was actually paying attention to me.

The next day I wanted to chill with her, but there was this whole conference thing and I had to a certain extent, pay some attention. We sat on the hill together for a bit but that was about as far as our conversation went. I wanted to talk to her, but im pretty shy around women I initially crush on. Despite this feeling, I wanted to hang with her again and see who she was, what she was up to. Initially, I sort of generalized her again, after all, she made out with me after knowing her for five minutes, I figured this was just another one of those "college hook-ups", though for me, a delayed one (since at this point I am a second year grad student). I did not really think much of it afterwards, sort of felt like she was a super-pretty face, as far as a relationships go, well if she was going to make out with me after 5 mins, how on earth could I date her? Dont random hookups usually not work out anyways (its not true, there is actually research indicating some are successful, as one would expect anyhow)?. I didnt remember her name (Nick told me it was on the fridge). I slept in her room again that night and layed awake wondering if she was going to pay attention to me again. She seemed indifferent, and I felt like I had worn out my welcome. But it was too late at that point to up and leave, it was 2 am.

The next morning, I remember my gang and I waking up early to get back to Lancaster. I said to her "we will find you on the internet" and that was pretty much that. So I got home and I found her on facebook. We started chatting on AIM, and it seemed like she just liked talking to me (because all this time her random-hookup thing was continuing with other people). I did not expect much, despite the fact that I was actually thinking I liked her. At the time another friend was asking me some pretty odd questions about getting into some sort of relationship. She asked me if I wanted to hang out a little more, so I said ok, why not? Then came all of the astrology. Im not a big fan of it. Then came the "I dont like sex" and "I dont want a relationship". So I am thinking, well, what do you want? What else is there? Would that not just make us friends (by this time, its been 5 months since last having sex with my now ex - but I am not that sex-crazed, I can, and have gone long periods without it. I prefer relationships, the sex is sooo much better and more meaningful).

School was now out, and I decided to go to philly for the night to visit Rob and to hang out with Clea. We got there and Clea and I started drinking. We hung out at TLA (where Rob is a manager). Went back to his house (its memorial day) and watched some movies. Along comes 4am, I am beat, so I went to bed. Clea stayed up with Rob for a bit longer. Low and behold, when she comes to bed, we totally did the you know what. Then we did that again in the morning. She had to go back to work, and I back to Lancaster. Again, at this point I was totally confused. It seems like the times we hung out, it usually involved drinking, a lot. I liked her, we totally got along and had a whole lotta common interests. So the next hangout was in NY at my friend Matt's moving in party. I brought Clea, we got drunk. I recall she handed out her email address to an aspiring suitor, I suppose, and that made me remember something about a relationship I had just gotten out of. She (I wont mention her name), would hand out her contact to hitting-on-her males, and that always made me feel uncomfortable. My acitivsty friends (some of them) tried to explain to me that that was ok, because polyamory is the way of the future etc etc. I thought that was mostly bullshit and unjustified and very much lacked any sort of praxis (as it turns out, quite a lot of activist paradigms do). That relationship obviously ended, and I was super-glad to get out of it. Now what does this have to do with Clea? Well, I really liked her, but I was worried I was going to get into another relationship where I felt like I could not trust her. But things changed. The whole boozing thing sort of tappered off. Clea and I determined we were a couple by asserting it on facebook, and facebook means things are official! After we hung out a few more times (at my apartment, and her house), I really started to dig her. Its weird I was not expecting anything really at this time in my life, I thought this was just for fun since she was going to London in the fall. But I kept liking her more and more despite crappy things to come in the future (eg - me going back to grad school, her to London then back to college, etc). The feeling was obviously mutual from her side.

I have to digress to mention that now I decided to quit SB for good. It was a really hard decision, and it still makes me depressed. Ill touch on this in a bit. So not being bounded to my thesis advisor, Clea and I spent more and more time together. The last time I was in a relationship where we spent literally almost all of our time together, well, to say the least, it drove me totally nuts. I questioned whether I would be able to keep it together for the next relationship. But Clea turned out to be different. I totally felt comfortable being around her nearly all the time. I did not feel weird ! Finally, someone I was comfortable around. Its funny too, because when we first met, I had no idea I would eventually tell her I loved her and that I looked forward to the future with her (not being specific, we are not that far hehehe). I thought she was just some young, impressionable college kid who saw a semi-decent old man (me) as cool or whatever and wanted to shag me ? haha, sorry Clea for when you read this =).

So as of now (Sept 4), Clea has left for London, and surprisingly, Im rather depressed. I did not think this would happen; I just got a research job as a biologist in Virginia getting paid 15 an hour, I am planning on meeting her in Germany for like 1.5 months at the end of November. I can shake the temporary depression, but it keeps creeping back to me. These feelings are really starting to compound with my dropping out of school. Did I make the right decision? Will I actually be able to transfer schools next year? What the fuck am I going to do these next few months? Its horrible, but I cant really explain in words. It really is; I feel like total shit most of the day (despite my rotten mood, I am able to read this awesome book, called the World Without Us, which is totally changing my perspective on environmentalism. That, and I am studying what I want right now, Category theory, cohomolgy and quantization, etc.). I have no reason to be depressed; I have an awesome girlfriend who I cant wait to see, I am doing what I want, but something huge is missing and I dont know what that is. I wish Clea was here, she usually helps me relax when I get angsty. Well, maybe this journal will help....

Summary - I created this for unknown reasons. The above is a total ramble to take my mind off feeling bad about my current sedentary lifestyle. I wanted to try and see things through how my memories are recalled. Perhaps I should try this again to see how I see things differently in the near future.

I hope I get out of this rut. I hope Clea does not get sick of me messaging her a lot and getting worried over nonsense. I hope she does not leave me, or get back into her random hookup phase. I hope I get into the grad schools I would feel comfortable in. I hope.